Preps for Start of English ...

despite my hate or detestation for paper clutter ... I bite the bullet to file ready for the start of my year long English ... course ... all the useful info from the one day exam study day for this study period ... was given loads of useful sheets for further use ... the tutors realising it was a lot to take in and would have more time and useful if we did this etc ... really useful reference to  peruse ...

So ... although some time out over the late Summer Bank Holiday ... prepared my file further for this coming academic year ... a bit more enjoyable than some of the clearing ... 

Adjustments to both health and works to improve electric supply into home ...

... took time out as had physical health issues ... which impacts from the legacy of de-cluttering not thought out logical ... there is so much of it in the western world ... that by now you would of thought there was an art to clearing by now ... 

Still did a little here and there such is the overwhelmingness of what there was ... then what they left ... and some other factors that created such a muddle and the lack of continuity and lack of coordination from all agencies and the main multi-agency meeting never had any action on ... 

So left to me and myself and I 

And access needed in cupboard stuffed with things from the clear still need doing so it helps to function the home ... one of the problamatic side to having a key meter fitted when move in originally to the property and needing ease of access ... 

I had this cupboard functioning and it was left mostly untouched by hubby mess ... for ease of use and functionality ... until the final months of the life and times of my late husband ....

Combination of so many kinds of grief ...

no one and everyone overwhelmed ... so what about the lost me ... part of the lost society ... yet again ... and be interesting ... as it is so clinically summarised and not a true reflection ... and so obvious learnings from the failings not adhered to as in said letter ... 

Need to realise that ...

... no-more is coming in so worth restoring it back ... but to be bothered now the long term stress and depression taken its toll on me 

...so much has been said along the way... it is re-establishing my thoughts in the fact is it worth wasting the time ... to me now the conflicts of wasting time effort and more ... with the fruits of labour to to functioning again ...

All I'm doing is cluttering up the electronic world ... in a good way ... but such is some of these thoughts I see that I have changed and made who I am now ... therapy and talk is strange to me now ... if I had been isolated as an hostage I would have had more impact on getting the isolation help ... although there is a lot on isolation there is still not enough understanding of the impact on the individual ... 

Daily functions ... and the conflicts ...

were the importance of the day ... manage to notice some things ... but not others such is these conflicts that come go and stay ... the brilliance of life whilst everyone is moaning ... coupled with the coldness ... without the person who knew you best ... no longer breathing 

The Weekend ...

Yesterday was a day off ... although Sundays would be better with the charity shops shut ... Although everyone kindly all suggest the same way as having a box for blah blah ..... It does not work for me ... the family know my anxiety's of cluttering up the space more ... but needs amust ...

It goes straight into the shopping trolley and a bag I can carry straight away so it is not lurking and just moved else where ... 

This will take longer as no ..... Blah blah 

Positive in this ... do as and when ... and not be overwhelmed 

No-one will ever know how daughter and I dealt with those first three months of trying to retrieve items and again with the other home ... for another's wishes who figures very much in our lives ... but out of respect will keep that private for now...

That was more than overwhelming ....

Present Functions

Fitting in past things with present is a bit of a juggle particularly as it is holiday season ... I am looking on that as peace and quiet from the world out there ... this is where I can slip and not be taken seriously again at present ... but that will be in hand ... three options here ... one currently in progress ... 

Back to task in hand ... today is budgets and balances still a legacy from those oblivion days and be glad to be completely in the present with my budgets ... 

And juggling another strand of life and that is getting out the atmosphere that still reeks at times from stuff still here and trying to freshen up the walls and paintwork and household linens ...

All food for thought for the professionals and everyone alike ....

Think beyond the box ...

Charity ...

A load of stuff that can go given immediate results ... on my wanders which is why I am focused on listening to music rather than what is around me .... that should clear some more places quicker than others ... 

Just to function again ...  not changed or washed ... food down me and stayed in ...  and remember the long term goal trying to achieve ... at least I am not wearing trousers ... otherwise health issues will form ...

So many complexities I see so similar to hubby and told we are both different ... yes ... but it started with stress and depression and a loss of a dear father as both of us found out from our daughter doing research on your complexities and private matters and me too on things no-one but you and I know ...

My mind is the clutter today ...

At least that is still productive ... after all one's health is the primary concern ... but not with the differing opinions I contend with at least I am having the silly season break even if everyone is on their holidays and fear of accessing help is more worrying at present 

Too late when the horse has bolted ...

Yesterday .... And Today ....

Yesterday ....

... Basic functions were order of the day .... stayed in all day ... no fresh air ... not even for a few minutes out the door ... in the same clothes for too long ... 

Today ... 

While I am waiting for the hot water to heat up a bit more to catch up on the daily rituals and to get in fresh clothing ... use the time wisely and write in my entry on my continual battle in this muddle of a home ...  

Today ... more work on the organisation of my paperwork ... particularly with the mixed bag of the usual with unusual paperwork from that time and unable to do the rituals of the paperwork while my late husband lived his final days with me ... It is finding my way and structure again ... the volume is a lot less ... more strife ... more clutter comes through the door that I did not need at that time or since and said so ... 

Simplistic is the order of my life now ...

And unfortunately ... doing exams brings more certificates and paperwork ... and all the policies I have to read with my new training and volunteering ... yes good clutter ... but to keep track of these pristine new ones ... is as to why I'm attempting to accept this good clutter in the paper work ... straight into a special acid free Display book when it arrives .... and keep track of with the new good clutter ...  and all these new opportunities that come with it creating new options ....

Frustrations ... Progress on Front Room Plans Monday 17/08/15

To Larder Pantry 

• Frustration from the way I was not listened to ... on initial mass de-clutter 
• My special way of collating my polishes  ... need to re-purchase 
• This is the juggling of the way the cupboard space was not organised so the home could function without the things hanging within easy reach to keep track off and in my way of the living space that irritates me so 
• My NHO was doing something in their home and finally a comment from someone who realised how do I keep track of things ? ... case in point ... 

To bathroom

• Toiletries put into the proper room 

Paper work 

• Collating into a box ... to sit down on a more difficult emotionally worn out day I can have and can just work through that ... which I used to love to do ... but now is What is the point? and been explaining to sis how frustrating it is keeping on top the paperwork ... 

Finding a Rhythm

• Finding a way among ... lost routines ... within finding the daily functions 
• I hate this lost way ... I'm daily battling 

Hubby's belongings 

• Keeping his hand grips ... starting using already ... 

Cleaning 

• The dust spores 

• Access to clean ... wow ... be easier to clean properly 

Replacements 

• Polishes 
• My favourite cleaning equipment  ... that makes boring much more enjoyable and ... exercise ... when getting out is difficult ... to keep trim ... which became a laugh ... lost my muscle strength and trimness ... !!! ... !!! ... !!! ...

A more of a structure to the day ...

with ample time too to explore a new area of the town on fetching the subject dividers for the paperwork ... appetite still poor ...  but for a Sunday which is traditionally brunch as a family ... I ate three meals today ... so progress all round and I did a tad of clearing to boot ...

My life of an evening and night time is unusual for a surviving spouse ... I relish the time doing the things I want now ... as the later times were indescribable to this day ... I have never felt guilty about this now free time ... it is an indescribable burden so lifted ... and the feeling it brings is out of this world ...

And saw a Sunset to boot ... today ... Confusions and Clarity

Not eaten that good today .. but hoping to improve that ... at least I'm having the liquid nutrition when this happens ... went out in two day old clothes ... only just realised ... so will rectify that ... 

Confusion has been on my mind a lot ... still not taken seriously although one of the many people to come and go... finally noticed ...  a bit late in the day for hubby ... so here we go again ... 

The other was so focused on task in hand ...didn't adjust to my event's ... a flood ... work on access to pantry ... it is easy to say ... but actually put it on to practise ... and some other tasks too numerous 

Still no co-ordination between agencies ... another reason set this blog up... it gets so irritating if things were  done on listening to me I would be a lot further on  .. I do have valid points among the confusion 

I lived it ... I damn well know what I am talking about ... thank you ... 

And a lot of people I have come in to contact like my analogies ... 

Most importantly the trio of family that know every tiny detail so helps ... 

A Slow Start today ...

but knew what my tentative tasks would be ....  although allotted basic plans of time off at weekends ... doesn't mean entirely ... if I just spend a tad of time on clearing or organising to feel a tad better for it .... focused on some paperwork today ... which I'm currently being supported on in my updated care plan ... ... 

I also changed my bed sheets which still fluctuates ... And plan to go for some fresh air now ... and I am too ... running low on milk even though I do have some long life cartons now in ... so we see if I get some basic shopping that is also a perpetual task that easily slips 

Tomorrow is getting some subject dividers as that shop is now shut ... which came from ideas of finally getting order in the necessary paperwork that is a necessity like keeping track in this household of remnants of hubby's hoarding ... of the P60s needed for the Student Finance application again ... that I so struggle with ... but wanted to just get done on my own ... I still waiting to see if done in the necessary time as I had a hard time of it ... 

ABOUT >>> Ironically ... the day i fell apart yet again ...

whilst in tears to my sister last Thursday which is our day off from each other ... what i had already done  ... she suggested I blog the progress, later perhaps writing a diary etc etc ... Always good to know I am doing OKish ... as I nearly went to out of hours help ... but like me wants to see movement forward not back ... so this is my up and down chart of progress ... eventually linking up my blogs ... to make some form of a diary ... ???? 

Finally we reach today ... as this ...

blog started off among less clarity than of late ... Probably because of the subject matter to be faced ... as so traumatised from those events that led to his muddle I still facing  >>> I need to grieve privately so desperately and get back on track without the necessary support ... but needs amust ... otherwise I will be another casualty of unintended slow suicide right in front of people's noses ... as was my late husband ... 

Fridays !4 Augst De-Clutter ....

Despite the good aches ... I set about the task of a plan for the front room ... again like the bitrthday plans ... a basic structure for good or low mood ... easy .. medium or harder ... set about the ... easy ... couldn't face the charity shop today ... so did a lot of what could be binned ... 

On leaving the home you can see the good and bad items with more clarity ... when you re-enter ... that is a struggle in itself if I don't go out 

On leaving the charity items til shopping open days to put straight in my hand or trolley ... I do not like just moving it around ... that irritates me ... 

Many people who have come and gone suggested a box for this a box for that etc ... after months of struggling to clear in the first place this does nor work for me as a am terribly mentally scarred ...

I cannot stand anything in the middle of the room any more either ... it freaks me ... silently ...

Looks like furniture land too as furniture destined to be re-arranged ...  then it was forgotten I had to leave things mid-way cos Dad was at deaths door several times last year before he finally passed away ... he was a fighter since his birth being ...  the only surviving twin born at the start of the war .... 

Daily anyway I been dropping off items already ... to the charity shop .. it is overwhelmimgly perpetual ... with my inner clarity then confusion and muddles of basic life functions ... 

Plans Afoot From Doing Things I Love to Not ... from Friday 14 August

Yesterday's walk through the countryside was though a thunder storm inner and outer... It was walked on stamina and fluids with a lunch of half a sandwich. I did snack on cherry tomatoes along the way ... the anger bubbling away inside needed to be dealt with constructively.

On boarding the train despite the drenching the rail tracks were getting and seeing the familiarity of a village once lived soon quenched these feelings ... I did get a return ticket but decided just to carry on giving myself the task of entering new licensee holders of what was once the local pub for a much needed orange juice. It was the most refreshing drink in a nice ambiance, despite the anxious feelings of being out the home and my still semi cluttered safety net ...

But plans set in this mind ... to start this overwhelming task to face with emotions mixed of both clarity and confusion of section by section of a final de-cluttering on this damn home left in tatters ...

On returning home ... all I managed was the rest of the sandwich, a yogurt and a drink ... soaking my aches and dirt away in a soothing bath and eventually at a sensible time ... retiring to bed ... still with tears ...  but at least an inner calm ... eventually drifting off to sleep ...

Feeling a bit sunnier ........ from Friday 14 August

Feeling a bit sunnier

And my humour, was again funnier

Some too X-rated to publish

As it would make some of us blush

And I'd probably be told to hush 

Although knowing my man

Would appreciate what ... could be banned 

When he was alive, his sense of fun 

Filled the days itself like the sun  

Far Away as the clouds ........ from Thursday !3 August 2015

My head is as faraway as the clouds

But the noise near is too loud
It feels all fuzzy and blue
Like a capricious sky

Quite ironic too, I am not alone
I was not the only one
Having a good ol' grumble
As the thunder twas having a good rumble

 The lightning was flashing
Across the landscape
With an angry glow
While the cloud cover too was low

From !3 August 2015

As I went off track, decided to go by rail

And followed part of the River Trail

On once that we lived from then

To enjoy nature up close again

Near golden fields a slow, not whizzing in a train by

Even though lightning was flashing the sky 

one section on front room is the first focus ... to channel these emotions productively ... first I need a good nights sleep ... which was the focus today of channeling these frustrations ... before the start of moving forward and on ... a good film to watch ... to focus on the better feelings ... and relax  ... as the anxious feelings were back with force ... today ... felt so physically sick again 

From this Day Forth ... On entering my home today after ...

taking a very long walk .... I took a good look round on this home of mine and decided to do a log on my own progress ... as one time too many on the failings of being sent round in circles between everybody ... 

For today I will need to rest  ... as not used to long walks as not as fit as once was ... but the feeling of a good walk or swim was always good on completion ... lost my upper arm strength  ... used to use the kitchen counters to do push ups too ... but when the kitchen became cluttered  I could no longer keep that up  ... either ...