The turmoil within

gives the perspective in although all those losses we had still ongoing .... the yonder across the miles of an area most frequented again a daily reminder how life continues to change for us all ...

My head is tired in the turmoil on this very special day ... The ironic items cleared out to us on a personal level .... another part of life back in order and put in the right place of life ... and more and many distributions of life in belongings ... over the last 24 hours ... 

A little bit more of the same today and to get out in daylight to get a special something to eat depending on how tired I am ... if not over the weekend while I wind down. This  to get into gear for the soon to be training to volunteer in the health and social care sector where, if I decide to go down this area requires regular updating ...  

Back to it

in a sunny room making plans for how I approach soon to come upon next month. next month! This after a stint on a ward again ... 

The three areas to clear out to use for the now, stated before in the Where was I? After a bit of mischief to the Anatomy. 

I was in a lot of debate in negating the mess that will be caused while prepping for training etc ... this is now here goes ... 

A little off track

though much rested for a little intoxicatingly remedies in the remedial tasks to be doing. The feeling of the never ending to some ending in sight for a little .... The confusion and conflicts still evident. 

However the plans were for the way ahead ... and although strange feelings are in this phase, a sister implied to keep at it. 

It will be good to be established, which indeed takes time ... I have a long haul to keep in sight of the end outcome. July and September will be key ... the way forward in the onward phase. The spontaneity of life is much appreciated... do I want to be encased again ... There is so much not understood in this that I find ...  it is kept inward ... 

At least this is a release of the pent in emotional land of no mans ... 

A frustrating time

of it today, taking one away from the recesses of moving things out and on. The intermix of time in schedules. The set in stone attitude that hinders understanding of the implications I am left with long after everyone moves on ... The worst culprit is what everyone blames ....  and we can be just scoffed at by those who never even suffered depression 

A mixed

day from self esteem remnants and measures against in a situation by others ... while I went about this day of past present and future in plans and actions ....

The much change is good for the morale ... now I done a bit more of the rehabilitation, now it's back to the steps in the move and clear, or clear to move .... 

The pitter patter of raindrops  ☔️... the gushing sound of all that rain today ... and on par in conversations with a sister in brief experiences again ... she still has faith I make a good nurse ... I beg to differ ... I will need to be specialised and have bucket loads of confidence in not making methodical mistakes ... 

I may make my own rules in this life post tragedy ... though when it comes to it I can follow rules and regulations in such a methodology of a vocation ... 

All the do and do nots currently, signing in, expense forms and mandatory training a start to see if I can get this part back to second nature too ... the last few weeks of research in the background of what I am currently doing ... the brain drain on a mind ... the overwhelming task still in the home ... that often gets forgotten by all that came ... 

Days away

from the monotony of the past living. The vibrant colours instead of the dank holes of time a welcome change locally today. I will be pleased to move on transferring what came to be ... 

They must be doing overnight road or rail works in the distance ... this being near a local road interchange .... it carries the noise on windy days ... like you could hear Brands Hatch at certain times at our last Home... 

Where has one not been

or seen today and the weeks past back again. The odds and sods thinned out in a cupboard, to back to the Where was I ? And finally see a start of things back together, as well as the ongoing life. 

Colour in odds 

The kitchen with the remains. The kitchen with what was given. A set of beverages canisters still using to this day from a cousin. She said it will remind us of much across the miles. 

The thumb injury time when some of the other cousins passed on some kitchen aides to work one handed etc. One of them having worked in Occupational Health a while. 

One has messages flowing across the miles of the experiences elsewhere. Could it all be finally seeing something of the past again?  Where it is easier to move again!

Rememberance 

A time in the archives. The collection into collating to distribute the various items. 

I will have helping hands again. In the meantime I am reacquainting a structure in a little time there midweek ... and a long weekend in pulling together to move again here ... 

It is stressful for some to move at the best of times ... this will be challenge zillion of project Mojo!  

Descending 

All the various family trees of all our particular strands for a daughter also finally getting it together ... I have started on the paperwork ... I now be like my Mum only she had a better system for shredding Dads stuff. 

In the paperwork mountains that is really varied. The avoidance. The stuff I will not discuss. The stuff of fascination for others who are interested in the family tree. The gaps of time. The stuff from the times until I stopped bothering to do the paperwork, whem I had a life to keep alive! That was a fruitless time. He flowed away from life anyway! 

This paperwork back into a system again will be amazing too ...The obvious stuff of bills to keep paid. The time a hubby went to a meeting for financial help, only to come back dismayed. He gave up. I gave up. The timeline of disintegration lived again in all this ... 

The photos and paperwork. The paper mountain I should now not have to revisit,  the salt is all too raw in the still wounds!!! 

All in all an amazing phase in this agony I have now entered. A phase coming together in tiny steps; a time I had thought I never see in this life again ... 

While I step back out

Others are stepping down ! The peers in public service reducing or altering life in the now service retirement phase. 

However my life seems never to be on par with the norm. I have a backlog of paperwork mountains and although with the best effort of a sensitive clear, it twas old tat and stuff I now have to sift through or not. 

The photos even only a mild interest at times ... the aversions to cope with life in general ... and what was thought or from the list for this clear I could care less about at the time ... 

My thoughts today however is for some relaxing ... the tiredness of this life is overwhelming too ... 

Packing up for the

memory book, box and to use in function. The co alignment with time on a ward ... an enlightening, illuminating time from tragedy, trauma to tensions to trying! To packing up slow and steady until all traces removed ... 

The complete change in subject and a mind not always in logical thought ... to too much to cope with. 

I have seen free water to help yourself too, a free bananas (fruit) initiative. I may not see the current affairs in ways I used to, no newspapers in this home ... but a free warm drink and a pastry to local homeless people by a shop in a Cheshire. This known about by other means and sources when minded and not just stuck inside by invisible ties ... 

The nurses using food banks, used in some of the agendas in this country that I did know about... well the polling card is a big clue! I had no idea about foreign politician changes! 

And the ease of a few days to put things into perspective towards a long weekend of packing and clearing ... not in the usual sense ... the decisions long ready for this time to start to move to a home ... and a hospital where the first seeds of confirmation in where to be a volunteer started ...

... on an oncology ward in Kernow ... 

I chosen the time to do midweek. That I might have a long weekend to do the various projects in the long haul to capsulate a life that is quality driven, with a serenity and peace for a retreat from the flurries of much ... in the attempt to kickstart a life all round more positive ... including going into a vocational field when a lot of peers including the many banks of cousins are early, semi retiring or part retiring to do Bank work or volunteering abroad etc ... from the NHS or police etc ...

The time I

was booked in to collect my glasses was the day for some heavy reading ... The dos and do nots within an environment where one gives times on a social basis. 

Therefore I acclimatised to some newness today. What is not new is the amount of time I spent at a bedside on the other side of the dos and do nots. The way infection control in the extreme on an oncology ward, when a child visiting vomited in the day room, this where the donated facilities were located for easing the time spent ... it was fumigated with the  replacements of  refreshments and what not ... 

On Spec ...

... making use of the window of time ... social history in all I do or watch ... a interest in moment flurry and still ... 

Did what I hoped for

the kick start of a second week in the entanglement of life in shreds .... last week the long overdue appointments in routine fashion. The three long hairs lopped off each time in only three hair appointments over months. The first time the next cut and blow dry already booked ... 

The appointment this week to collect and see how the new glasses are, from last weeks trip to the opticians. I have done a fair few appointments in health and well being now. There is still some way  to go. The regularity slips. 

This week is the paperwork issues. The junk mail returned to sender. The listful of replies, keep on top and the new way some things are now done. I also hope to get in a routine of weekends off. One day doing something different other than worry. I will probably just slip back into doing things when I feel like it ... I also find I need a long rest from the emotional waste and memory... 

Today something haunted me from the past I didn't expect to come across ... I couldn't avoid that one. And I certainly didn't see it  coming ... 

The multistrands of this

... the wouldn't it be good to be clear of the clear. A morning getting the bearings on just tasking one multistranding time a day. At least something. The overwhelming overload to one side. 

The logistics planning of the shift ...  and the two month window to get some semblance of structure started ... 

It tis mid afternoon and some things put off from lack of gumption at least achieved today. The vivid dreams of a night and the wonder what happened to everything I knew aside for now... 

I will wind down and relax when the next multistranded bit is also achieved and attempt again tomorrow... still not heard from whom I should hear. I am just moving past and forward of the idiocy of life ...