Not Just Christmas ... It is Remembering One December Day ... Past ...

When my husband was to pass away from us ... for now 

And despite the fact I have so much going on in my life right now ... time is set aside in this month for the day our life changed ...

Everyone was affected ... I have had messages of prayers, thoughts and love for this time, all while we get the preparations under way to spend time with our loved ones, if we have them ... over the festive period.

Despite all this and being unwell. I have done little bits here and there; despite the seasonal activities too, I have made plans for when people are back in the here and now. And not at their plans of getting gifts, food, the tree decorated and all that business depending what traditions etc are followed. 

I am tainted from my experience. I try not to remember people were elsewhere when no-one believed my hubby was slipping away ... 

?

been a difficult one... keeping track of daily life is difficult enough without having to see a specialist and dealing with the past... 

the forthcoming two week period holiday time delays everything people are elsewhere presently ... just like the Summer months ... too busy to do things properly this time of year ...

this was partly why we had lack of duty of care ... and hubby was to pass away ... over the holidays 

wrong time for right care 

Illness; Elsewhere; and now the Festive Season ...

I have still being making plans to de-clutter ready for the return after treatment and what have you; ready for go. The visions I have had while I was really poorly in the Autumn to be put into action too...

Ideas too from being away from the environment.

And even this week ... sprucing up the place where I can ... Still tire easily ... and still thinking of things that can go etc ... 

All in all ... the bathroom I was thinking about too when I was away ... I can have my bathroom replaced ... and ease of access to do the works ... which is reviewed for another year ... to give me time and something to aim for when ready to do so ...

Lots of aims to aim for ... not to be aimless ... lost on the services ... keeping the decor ambiance and mould under control for a better quality of life and heeds my health ... which has suffered and has been exacerbated by my environment ... seeing as I have had the tests ...

More and More

and More it goes on the more frustrating it gets ... fortunately some suggestions are being thought of and those who need to know ... know of this ... 

We shall see what a task master I can be, in blasting the clutter away and getting to Kernow ... My daughter is excited about the prospect. She is very laid back ... in fact she would not have batted an eyelid on her surprise visit to me earlier this month if I had had someone with me at that time ... such is her realisation I now have a very different life now ... doing what I am known for my those who know me ...

She will go with the flow ... which is what we both tend to do ... 

staying to task

In catching up with emails etc ... 

And structure ... With being erratically unwell exacerbates this ... Back to email replies in the night ... Gets it out the way ... I like buses had a lot of emails and contacts all come at once ... whilst hooked up to all these machines they have when an ambulance comes to you in these instances of ... Suspected chest pain etc ... 

One phone call to make tomorrow and I will be on top of it ... Another reason I keep things to a minimum in life now ... Some of these contacts will one day be past  ... As I move on from a care package ...

Spending Time Eslewhere ...

at the present ... Waiting rooms and areas ... More waiting rooms ... seen more stethoscopes in use sticky adhesive residue ... Countless needles for blood tests and cuffs around my arm than ever seen in that period of isolation ... 

Consequently my time is with my health solution to put an end to these waiting areas and a rest away would heed a speedier coping system with the rest of the finishing touches to the home ...

And the solution ideas sister starting researching when really unwell ... before we realised what was going on with the inside workings of my body ... ready for me to have a look when able to 

De-Cluttering My In Box etc ...

My sister being the tech queen in our immediate family advised me to keep my devices from slowing down ... I have introduced this into my paperwork time ... regularly ... although electronically is more fun for me ... post hoarding time ... 

I have had an interesting time as with most things; consistently learning and enjoying the realisation of what technology can do ... and as with all my ideas; things it could help to include ...

Although frustrations can set in with daughter not here to help if I get stuck ... learning by yourself is a lot of fun too ... especially the elation of achieving yourself

This is the fun side of de-cluttering ... it is not overwhelming ... it is all contained in a different kind of mystery to me ...

The Legacy for One ...

Again today ... could only keep on top of the daily build ups ... which is leading to concerns it is to much for one ... with recent physical ill health within the nearest and dearest ... 

Solutions 

I am studying the research my sister started when I was really unwell ... It will mean costs ... the legacy of hoarding to me ... is more than money 

A Surprise Trip Home from Uni ...

this weekend meant I could offload some items from the home with daughter scouting the home for me ... 

• Half price winter boots 
• Photo in a frame of a young daughter in the New Forest
• Item of her Dad's
• Something her Dad put in her school bag many years ago to open at lunchtime on her birthday 
• Nail Polish for them all to use ... especially for the drama get ups ... drag stuff at panto time etc

The only thing I usually send back goodies for all the housemates to enjoy. I was not expecting them, although usually have items in ... lack of appetite and more meant not have things in as usual ...

Interrupted this last week

on my plans which is never conducive to this recovery ... I should be on my way to see family ... I am not impressed ... staff get holidays ... I need a rest from this place ... I usually get away out of season ... I have not done so this year ... 

And it is most forgotten that relentless time without holidays ... and respite in my carers role 24/7 ... for a very very long while ...

Able to enjoy the work ...

... and progress on the de-cluttering I had done prior to this month of October, that is fast coming to an end itself ... It is lovely to feel the space even more around me ... I cannot stand the doors to a room being shut ... I would suit an open plan home now, although that is a safety issue in itself .. The home I currently reside in, is the first time I been in a standard home where there are fifteen of them one and the same and the other fifteen are the opposite of the design layout ... 

A Bit of a Spring Clean ...

over the weekend which I probably should not have done ... with the Monday I had to deal with that followed ... I feel sometimes people forget you need to live the now ... while I deal with the left overs of the past ... that now I feel I should not keep having to remember ... Time has moved on ... I do not wish to be constantly reminded ... when it is relentless enough ...

Medical Appointments 

Planned and unplanned ... been working on all those appointments in life to keep our well being in order originally alongside the clearing of my home ... and then earlier this month had unexpected ones thrown in for good measure ... which has disrupted the de-clutter ... 

I probably did too much ...

over the weekend ... but the frustrations of resting and the environment around me is difficult at the best of times ... I achieved some more tasks on the home ... which is a step further to moving on from it all ... 

Out and About ... In and Out ... Staying in ...

are all my conflicts ... the old routines lost in the new routines as we were neglected by the robust initial assessment that should have been put in place as a matter of course ... the new with the old ... and now my new old routines again which is refreshing as time moves on and I am re-claimimg my life as was ... albeit a lot older and now alone ... and will never ever be the same me again ... 

And all this ... if ... I can follow my own thoughts ...

Three stages to the next step ...

for a lot has happened since I last posted on this blog ... indeed ... I had such a relentless time of it just as I was getting into the swing of the clearing the final part and finally being left alone to do so ... my way ...

However with first one health issue following on with the next and several doctors nurses and paramedics and one outstanding pharmacist later ... we have made plans for the next stage in my recovery, on from recovering from the recent physical ill health ...

After discovering what is going on in my body, I will be making some plans to have some much needed rest and recovery time ... and then putting in place a solution or few to get a bit more speedy resolution to my environment ... to get a quality of life back that is rather lacking ... for things to fall into place more ...

Despite my Deep Depressive Dip

Thursday through Friday ... kept on top of some of the functions of getting the kitchen to operate in more of a functional fashion; with an idea (dependent on the design working) in a woodwork design and if I succeed in this, and how I am with the hammer ... Do not fancy another trip to the A & E ... 

I rested a lot during this time; so as to keep on track in life and not fade away ...

I also watched films back to back ... to take the mind off the traumas and trials of my life as is now ... and focus on some semblance of my aspirations ... and finding my new life ... and the goals and taking the right path for this ... and am I up to the functions of life ... let alone study... 

Before the crisis time line happened; We did a lot of crafting, DIY, decor, and loads of other things and research on subjects that can be taboo. We find all this fascinating. We enjoyed many a debate with my late hubby too. And all things as a family and introducing our daughter to so many different things for her to find her natural flair in life ...

• English 
• Designing and Crafting 
• Death and disposal in normal or traumatic eras plaque Fire of London etc ...
• Studies on decomposition in crime experiments ...
• Crime Investigations 
• Pathology etc
• Documentaries on History Geography Geology Archaeology 
• Film studies Filming
• Philosophy
• Theology
• Languages 
• Chess 
• Archery
• Hill walking 
• Local lottery funded Hidden Histories Film on locality ... researching ... script writing ... directing ... filming ... interviewing ... acting and promoting and attaining awards ... 
• Local Youth Council 
• County Youth Council
• Kent County Youth Arts Ambassador 
• Other committees ongoing from the above ... and outings to the set of The Iron Lady etc
• Drama clubs 
• Les Mis ... Billy Elliott ... Mid Summer Night Dream to name but a few ... 
• Shakespeare 

• Panto ... Jack and the Beanstalk + many more ... 
• Musicals ... i.e. Sweeney Todd 
• Reading Clubs 
• Music
• Guide Movement
• Deaf studies ... Sign language ...
• Drama Dance and movement
• Tap Dance to help co-ordination and rhythm
• Used to like all the home improvement programs ... since lost interest ... 
• Cookery programs ... Nigella and the like ... gradually lost interest too ... 
• Decomposition (ironically) in what would happen to the world if we did not maintain it like in Dubai where the humid air would erode and honey would last forever ... forget what the program was called ...
• Nature and the like 
• National Trust
• Theme Parks
• Musems
• Voluntary Work in various forms 
• Animation Films
• Camping
• Hiking
• Exploring new and old areas ... near and far ... day trips and family hols ... 
• First Aid
• Duke of Edinburgh mother and daughter ... both have Bronze ... 
• Etc Etc Etc

This shows what our family life once consisted of before the ensuing crisis ... and how despite the traumas ... our daughter aimed and achieved her degree in English with Drama ... and is now doing her PCGE with intentions of aiming ...  still to do her Masters ... which her late Dad knew she was striving to do her PhD ... (in as it happens ... is evolving to what we have been through ... and her voluntary work with children who have socially unacceptable inabilities) ...

Still long way off ... of ...

Falling into place...  in the kitchen ...  but at least I am making a tad of progress in the once hub of the home and will shortly be more operational in another part as the room it is designated for ... yippee ...

Only today very slow progress ... I did get up ... I did wash ... I ate a little something ... I rested ... I watched a film ... I did crochet one row and I used the lap top to keep practicing my qwerty typing which is liken to a ... my mind is a little confused ... but some sentences are coming through thankfully ...  

I did not open up to the world today. I stayed inside and had time to reflect on those plans and ideas to stop from slipping away ... I nearly forgot my meds ... 

Belongings dispersed....

... From incineration to charity and more...

I only hope no other collector is filling their environment up locally... Beyond what is necessary... such is my thinking now... 

But since the crisis ended in a death and over time our belongings have certainly rippled out... In the locality...

Fortunately I was and am too busy to notice our wares in two towns... Our daughter was interested in what happened to them....(until she had to step in my shoes so I could spend precious time... with my Dad... who has since passed away too)... And able to see the overwhelming task I had ahead of me.. 

I do know some items were quickly sold and we had other communications... I am just glad that there is such a way for these items to be reused; in whatever manner. It all helps in so many ways beyond the money and stress of it 

The main joy for me is a lot of happiness to be involved in others lives and helps a tad for a better world... 

The One Touch ...

... rule is now starting to appear more in the home where I have re-established a tad more order back.

I can now too ... leave something and it will be exactly where I had left it ... one of the many benefits of living on your own. Especially in my environment; and realising that finally there are no longer the battles of unnecessary living and keeping ... that crept up on us ...

And the work area transferring from one room to the other ... is working ... instead of going around in circles. I am now finally getting to concentrate on my life and gradually establishing my home environment how I like it to operate ... personally to me...

My recent too short a therapy and non co-ordination in that functioning of my life have proved ... that type of therapy was not ideally suited to me ... I need a specialist therapist ... not any body yet have I met who has understood  my complex situation ...

Especially when relaying it back to me ... from 2014 ... and Dad had neurological complications from cancer elsewhere in the body ... it was not thought out ... time restraints ... budgets and too complex even to scratch the surface ...

The Perpetuality ...

... had some more time just chilling ... to be in a better frame of mind to do various tasks in hand 

... will take a photo and see the progress again ... did a tiny bit still ... seeing as I live in the environment ... 

It does take masses of energy to switch off, from all that is not good, around me ... thankfully setting up a   corner of some semblance of temporary ambiance in this home; with soft lights or a craft light as the evening progresses ... in this longer forthcoming evenings helps to create a better atmosphere ... 

And a good film when I can settle; takes my mind off ... unless it is about human endurance etc ... And working and typing on my various hobbies to keep occupied too ... the difficulty is the mind and its thoughts that do creep in ...

The Kitchen ... again ...

... I have gone round in circles on this one according to sister ... I would be getting another howler; however I have my February-May spring cleaning and ideas time. I am capitalising on this while I an in the flow ... hoping no-one disrupts me and accepts what I am trying to achieve ...

During my time out from the current problems I still face today; to recover from the earlier struggles in the week.  I did thankfully have a good Sunday. I am making plans with the kitchen ... It is a small start... while juggling the many strands and keep up with the perpetuity of that, that sucks of the daily demands and tasks:-

• Recovery
• Meds
• Appointments
• The Diary
• Communications
• Phone
• Post
• Emails
• Texts
• Health
• Paperwork
• Budgets
• Getting Out
• Refuse/Recycle
• Plan recovery trips
• Blog
• Study more than one subject
• Visits to home
• Research 
• Complaint
• DIY
• De-mould
• Maintaining home
• Budgets
• Air Circulation
• Repairs
• Social inclusion and Social contact with outside world
• Exercise
• Bucket List
• Poetry
• Leisure
• Vocational/Study Aspirations
• Move
• Projects
• Charity with unneeded items
• Clutter

All the things we take for granted until we are unable to cope. 

A good project manager is needed in the agencies and services to cope with so many people struggling with daily life ...

Again the Maslows hierarchy of needs; for ones self esteem and not ... be hasty as in certain agencies and too slow in another ... as so witnessed  in the unrelenting time we had ... leading to my late husbands death 

...

Back on my track ...

until the next time ... after the electric supply improvements works ... in a stuffed utility cupboard ... first thing this morning ...

And in the meantime ... time off for the rest of today ... another stop off to the charity shop first, with unneeded items with market days, the holidays of one season over and another to come and Halloween. All useful items for others who may require them more than others ... as always or not .... depending on other collectors in the towns ...  

A few days leisure and back to the grindstone on my track; even though it is not the weekend yet, all good psychology ... much  more likely to take a bag out to charity or clear another bit. 

As with all things in life ... when  in a good mood; things are so much easier to do 

48 hours ...

... certainly an interesting lot of hours have passed by ... juggling those daily functions with the outside world in RSVPs, trying to get out for some good lungfuls of polluted air and keep on top of the perpetuity of life with paperwork and clearing the home ... and dealing with the memories which is the hardest of all ..

Whilst working on the pantry/larder .... the problem of stuffing the cupboards ... classic lack of air circulation ... more work loaded on me again ...

The items that I came across propelled me back to those times that I have moved on from. This is the serious lack of not continuing what was started with my late husband ... to continue so that I am not faced with it now and hindering the recovery ...

I will not even comment on my recent therapy; all interesting ... I m very fair ... but some things have taken the biscuit ...

As I cleared ... I cleaned ...

over the weekend; to make it a bit more like my home with the sweet smells that brings. I made plans too for after my usual visit from the one agency who has been consistent since my crisis. The demands on their time is the same as the other agencies; but they come regular as clockwork ... stopping for a chat and  never in a hurry or on their phone ...

in fact the current care coordinator knows my feelings about the mobile and puts it in on vibrate... the annoyance I showed and the fact I was in contact with the MP keeping the office updated makes sure too ... 

The other agency so far I have never had an issue ... time is so precious and you have such a professional intimacy on your life with these people in your worst moments of your life. The least you can do is pay attention so as not to miss anything not only verbally or around you in the environment ... but read between the lines too of the client at that moment and time.

After the visit, I will clear and clean a good bit so I do not keep having to move it around for all life's maintenance and updates; in the future that keep getting in the way.

Adjusting to my lifestyle

... certainly still a lot to adjust ... over the weekend and from today chipping away at the access needed for works next week ... forgetting all the silliness and surprise that I still not done the cupboard since I already said about ... instead of wasting any more time explaining facing the feelings on my own and knowing what the end goal will be to me personally ... 

A lot for one person to deal with but as always budgets before people .... only after the horse has bolted will it be realised ...

Paperwork created by ....

Dealt with more of the necessary paperwork which is created by lack of continued inaction and coordination ... not listing it as too numerous ... and get so fed up with it ... takes time away with what I am supposed to be doing ... I was supposed to get out and keep up the continued progress ... when not triggered ... another one tomorrow... I was working on pacing myself to start on clearing the cupboard using the one touch rule of sorts .... so as to not ... to keeping moving items around forever .. 

Without deceased hubby who totally knew the situation ... very much on my own ...

Despite a study day ... still organising the de - clutter ...

... especially when an hour was wasted at the bus stop ... one bus was cut out with the following bus nearly half an hour late ... it did start more conversations than normal ... 

I knew on arriving back the electrics works people would be hoovering about ... it would have been easier to have caught up with me yesterday ... being Bank Holiday didn't help ... they did miss me ... 

 ... two wrong number calls later ... managed to get hold of them with the third and right call ... they were on site and came straight over ... I had explained my situation ... they worked out what access would be needed in the stuffed cupboard ... explained exactly what they would be doing ... doing the improved electricity supply works ... next week ... 

... since I have been on my own several improvement works on this property with the utilities have taken place ... always been accommodating ... working round the unique situation faced on entering my home ... while I recover and restore my home ... shows society is becoming more aware to uniqueness on working in homes ... 

Preps for Start of English ...

despite my hate or detestation for paper clutter ... I bite the bullet to file ready for the start of my year long English ... course ... all the useful info from the one day exam study day for this study period ... was given loads of useful sheets for further use ... the tutors realising it was a lot to take in and would have more time and useful if we did this etc ... really useful reference to  peruse ...

So ... although some time out over the late Summer Bank Holiday ... prepared my file further for this coming academic year ... a bit more enjoyable than some of the clearing ... 

Adjustments to both health and works to improve electric supply into home ...

... took time out as had physical health issues ... which impacts from the legacy of de-cluttering not thought out logical ... there is so much of it in the western world ... that by now you would of thought there was an art to clearing by now ... 

Still did a little here and there such is the overwhelmingness of what there was ... then what they left ... and some other factors that created such a muddle and the lack of continuity and lack of coordination from all agencies and the main multi-agency meeting never had any action on ... 

So left to me and myself and I 

And access needed in cupboard stuffed with things from the clear still need doing so it helps to function the home ... one of the problamatic side to having a key meter fitted when move in originally to the property and needing ease of access ... 

I had this cupboard functioning and it was left mostly untouched by hubby mess ... for ease of use and functionality ... until the final months of the life and times of my late husband ....

Combination of so many kinds of grief ...

no one and everyone overwhelmed ... so what about the lost me ... part of the lost society ... yet again ... and be interesting ... as it is so clinically summarised and not a true reflection ... and so obvious learnings from the failings not adhered to as in said letter ... 

Need to realise that ...

... no-more is coming in so worth restoring it back ... but to be bothered now the long term stress and depression taken its toll on me 

...so much has been said along the way... it is re-establishing my thoughts in the fact is it worth wasting the time ... to me now the conflicts of wasting time effort and more ... with the fruits of labour to to functioning again ...

All I'm doing is cluttering up the electronic world ... in a good way ... but such is some of these thoughts I see that I have changed and made who I am now ... therapy and talk is strange to me now ... if I had been isolated as an hostage I would have had more impact on getting the isolation help ... although there is a lot on isolation there is still not enough understanding of the impact on the individual ... 

Daily functions ... and the conflicts ...

were the importance of the day ... manage to notice some things ... but not others such is these conflicts that come go and stay ... the brilliance of life whilst everyone is moaning ... coupled with the coldness ... without the person who knew you best ... no longer breathing 

The Weekend ...

Yesterday was a day off ... although Sundays would be better with the charity shops shut ... Although everyone kindly all suggest the same way as having a box for blah blah ..... It does not work for me ... the family know my anxiety's of cluttering up the space more ... but needs amust ...

It goes straight into the shopping trolley and a bag I can carry straight away so it is not lurking and just moved else where ... 

This will take longer as no ..... Blah blah 

Positive in this ... do as and when ... and not be overwhelmed 

No-one will ever know how daughter and I dealt with those first three months of trying to retrieve items and again with the other home ... for another's wishes who figures very much in our lives ... but out of respect will keep that private for now...

That was more than overwhelming ....

Present Functions

Fitting in past things with present is a bit of a juggle particularly as it is holiday season ... I am looking on that as peace and quiet from the world out there ... this is where I can slip and not be taken seriously again at present ... but that will be in hand ... three options here ... one currently in progress ... 

Back to task in hand ... today is budgets and balances still a legacy from those oblivion days and be glad to be completely in the present with my budgets ... 

And juggling another strand of life and that is getting out the atmosphere that still reeks at times from stuff still here and trying to freshen up the walls and paintwork and household linens ...

All food for thought for the professionals and everyone alike ....

Think beyond the box ...

Charity ...

A load of stuff that can go given immediate results ... on my wanders which is why I am focused on listening to music rather than what is around me .... that should clear some more places quicker than others ... 

Just to function again ...  not changed or washed ... food down me and stayed in ...  and remember the long term goal trying to achieve ... at least I am not wearing trousers ... otherwise health issues will form ...

So many complexities I see so similar to hubby and told we are both different ... yes ... but it started with stress and depression and a loss of a dear father as both of us found out from our daughter doing research on your complexities and private matters and me too on things no-one but you and I know ...

My mind is the clutter today ...

At least that is still productive ... after all one's health is the primary concern ... but not with the differing opinions I contend with at least I am having the silly season break even if everyone is on their holidays and fear of accessing help is more worrying at present 

Too late when the horse has bolted ...

Yesterday .... And Today ....

Yesterday ....

... Basic functions were order of the day .... stayed in all day ... no fresh air ... not even for a few minutes out the door ... in the same clothes for too long ... 

Today ... 

While I am waiting for the hot water to heat up a bit more to catch up on the daily rituals and to get in fresh clothing ... use the time wisely and write in my entry on my continual battle in this muddle of a home ...  

Today ... more work on the organisation of my paperwork ... particularly with the mixed bag of the usual with unusual paperwork from that time and unable to do the rituals of the paperwork while my late husband lived his final days with me ... It is finding my way and structure again ... the volume is a lot less ... more strife ... more clutter comes through the door that I did not need at that time or since and said so ... 

Simplistic is the order of my life now ...

And unfortunately ... doing exams brings more certificates and paperwork ... and all the policies I have to read with my new training and volunteering ... yes good clutter ... but to keep track of these pristine new ones ... is as to why I'm attempting to accept this good clutter in the paper work ... straight into a special acid free Display book when it arrives .... and keep track of with the new good clutter ...  and all these new opportunities that come with it creating new options ....

Frustrations ... Progress on Front Room Plans Monday 17/08/15

To Larder Pantry 

• Frustration from the way I was not listened to ... on initial mass de-clutter 
• My special way of collating my polishes  ... need to re-purchase 
• This is the juggling of the way the cupboard space was not organised so the home could function without the things hanging within easy reach to keep track off and in my way of the living space that irritates me so 
• My NHO was doing something in their home and finally a comment from someone who realised how do I keep track of things ? ... case in point ... 

To bathroom

• Toiletries put into the proper room 

Paper work 

• Collating into a box ... to sit down on a more difficult emotionally worn out day I can have and can just work through that ... which I used to love to do ... but now is What is the point? and been explaining to sis how frustrating it is keeping on top the paperwork ... 

Finding a Rhythm

• Finding a way among ... lost routines ... within finding the daily functions 
• I hate this lost way ... I'm daily battling 

Hubby's belongings 

• Keeping his hand grips ... starting using already ... 

Cleaning 

• The dust spores 

• Access to clean ... wow ... be easier to clean properly 

Replacements 

• Polishes 
• My favourite cleaning equipment  ... that makes boring much more enjoyable and ... exercise ... when getting out is difficult ... to keep trim ... which became a laugh ... lost my muscle strength and trimness ... !!! ... !!! ... !!! ...

A more of a structure to the day ...

with ample time too to explore a new area of the town on fetching the subject dividers for the paperwork ... appetite still poor ...  but for a Sunday which is traditionally brunch as a family ... I ate three meals today ... so progress all round and I did a tad of clearing to boot ...

My life of an evening and night time is unusual for a surviving spouse ... I relish the time doing the things I want now ... as the later times were indescribable to this day ... I have never felt guilty about this now free time ... it is an indescribable burden so lifted ... and the feeling it brings is out of this world ...

And saw a Sunset to boot ... today ... Confusions and Clarity

Not eaten that good today .. but hoping to improve that ... at least I'm having the liquid nutrition when this happens ... went out in two day old clothes ... only just realised ... so will rectify that ... 

Confusion has been on my mind a lot ... still not taken seriously although one of the many people to come and go... finally noticed ...  a bit late in the day for hubby ... so here we go again ... 

The other was so focused on task in hand ...didn't adjust to my event's ... a flood ... work on access to pantry ... it is easy to say ... but actually put it on to practise ... and some other tasks too numerous 

Still no co-ordination between agencies ... another reason set this blog up... it gets so irritating if things were  done on listening to me I would be a lot further on  .. I do have valid points among the confusion 

I lived it ... I damn well know what I am talking about ... thank you ... 

And a lot of people I have come in to contact like my analogies ... 

Most importantly the trio of family that know every tiny detail so helps ... 

A Slow Start today ...

but knew what my tentative tasks would be ....  although allotted basic plans of time off at weekends ... doesn't mean entirely ... if I just spend a tad of time on clearing or organising to feel a tad better for it .... focused on some paperwork today ... which I'm currently being supported on in my updated care plan ... ... 

I also changed my bed sheets which still fluctuates ... And plan to go for some fresh air now ... and I am too ... running low on milk even though I do have some long life cartons now in ... so we see if I get some basic shopping that is also a perpetual task that easily slips 

Tomorrow is getting some subject dividers as that shop is now shut ... which came from ideas of finally getting order in the necessary paperwork that is a necessity like keeping track in this household of remnants of hubby's hoarding ... of the P60s needed for the Student Finance application again ... that I so struggle with ... but wanted to just get done on my own ... I still waiting to see if done in the necessary time as I had a hard time of it ... 

ABOUT >>> Ironically ... the day i fell apart yet again ...

whilst in tears to my sister last Thursday which is our day off from each other ... what i had already done  ... she suggested I blog the progress, later perhaps writing a diary etc etc ... Always good to know I am doing OKish ... as I nearly went to out of hours help ... but like me wants to see movement forward not back ... so this is my up and down chart of progress ... eventually linking up my blogs ... to make some form of a diary ... ???? 

Finally we reach today ... as this ...

blog started off among less clarity than of late ... Probably because of the subject matter to be faced ... as so traumatised from those events that led to his muddle I still facing  >>> I need to grieve privately so desperately and get back on track without the necessary support ... but needs amust ... otherwise I will be another casualty of unintended slow suicide right in front of people's noses ... as was my late husband ... 

Fridays !4 Augst De-Clutter ....

Despite the good aches ... I set about the task of a plan for the front room ... again like the bitrthday plans ... a basic structure for good or low mood ... easy .. medium or harder ... set about the ... easy ... couldn't face the charity shop today ... so did a lot of what could be binned ... 

On leaving the home you can see the good and bad items with more clarity ... when you re-enter ... that is a struggle in itself if I don't go out 

On leaving the charity items til shopping open days to put straight in my hand or trolley ... I do not like just moving it around ... that irritates me ... 

Many people who have come and gone suggested a box for this a box for that etc ... after months of struggling to clear in the first place this does nor work for me as a am terribly mentally scarred ...

I cannot stand anything in the middle of the room any more either ... it freaks me ... silently ...

Looks like furniture land too as furniture destined to be re-arranged ...  then it was forgotten I had to leave things mid-way cos Dad was at deaths door several times last year before he finally passed away ... he was a fighter since his birth being ...  the only surviving twin born at the start of the war .... 

Daily anyway I been dropping off items already ... to the charity shop .. it is overwhelmimgly perpetual ... with my inner clarity then confusion and muddles of basic life functions ... 

Plans Afoot From Doing Things I Love to Not ... from Friday 14 August

Yesterday's walk through the countryside was though a thunder storm inner and outer... It was walked on stamina and fluids with a lunch of half a sandwich. I did snack on cherry tomatoes along the way ... the anger bubbling away inside needed to be dealt with constructively.

On boarding the train despite the drenching the rail tracks were getting and seeing the familiarity of a village once lived soon quenched these feelings ... I did get a return ticket but decided just to carry on giving myself the task of entering new licensee holders of what was once the local pub for a much needed orange juice. It was the most refreshing drink in a nice ambiance, despite the anxious feelings of being out the home and my still semi cluttered safety net ...

But plans set in this mind ... to start this overwhelming task to face with emotions mixed of both clarity and confusion of section by section of a final de-cluttering on this damn home left in tatters ...

On returning home ... all I managed was the rest of the sandwich, a yogurt and a drink ... soaking my aches and dirt away in a soothing bath and eventually at a sensible time ... retiring to bed ... still with tears ...  but at least an inner calm ... eventually drifting off to sleep ...

Feeling a bit sunnier ........ from Friday 14 August

Feeling a bit sunnier

And my humour, was again funnier

Some too X-rated to publish

As it would make some of us blush

And I'd probably be told to hush 

Although knowing my man

Would appreciate what ... could be banned 

When he was alive, his sense of fun 

Filled the days itself like the sun  

Far Away as the clouds ........ from Thursday !3 August 2015

My head is as faraway as the clouds

But the noise near is too loud
It feels all fuzzy and blue
Like a capricious sky

Quite ironic too, I am not alone
I was not the only one
Having a good ol' grumble
As the thunder twas having a good rumble

 The lightning was flashing
Across the landscape
With an angry glow
While the cloud cover too was low

From !3 August 2015

As I went off track, decided to go by rail

And followed part of the River Trail

On once that we lived from then

To enjoy nature up close again

Near golden fields a slow, not whizzing in a train by

Even though lightning was flashing the sky 

one section on front room is the first focus ... to channel these emotions productively ... first I need a good nights sleep ... which was the focus today of channeling these frustrations ... before the start of moving forward and on ... a good film to watch ... to focus on the better feelings ... and relax  ... as the anxious feelings were back with force ... today ... felt so physically sick again 

From this Day Forth ... On entering my home today after ...

taking a very long walk .... I took a good look round on this home of mine and decided to do a log on my own progress ... as one time too many on the failings of being sent round in circles between everybody ... 

For today I will need to rest  ... as not used to long walks as not as fit as once was ... but the feeling of a good walk or swim was always good on completion ... lost my upper arm strength  ... used to use the kitchen counters to do push ups too ... but when the kitchen became cluttered  I could no longer keep that up  ... either ...