Despite my Deep Depressive Dip

Thursday through Friday ... kept on top of some of the functions of getting the kitchen to operate in more of a functional fashion; with an idea (dependent on the design working) in a woodwork design and if I succeed in this, and how I am with the hammer ... Do not fancy another trip to the A & E ... 

I rested a lot during this time; so as to keep on track in life and not fade away ...

I also watched films back to back ... to take the mind off the traumas and trials of my life as is now ... and focus on some semblance of my aspirations ... and finding my new life ... and the goals and taking the right path for this ... and am I up to the functions of life ... let alone study... 

Before the crisis time line happened; We did a lot of crafting, DIY, decor, and loads of other things and research on subjects that can be taboo. We find all this fascinating. We enjoyed many a debate with my late hubby too. And all things as a family and introducing our daughter to so many different things for her to find her natural flair in life ...

• English 
• Designing and Crafting 
• Death and disposal in normal or traumatic eras plaque Fire of London etc ...
• Studies on decomposition in crime experiments ...
• Crime Investigations 
• Pathology etc
• Documentaries on History Geography Geology Archaeology 
• Film studies Filming
• Philosophy
• Theology
• Languages 
• Chess 
• Archery
• Hill walking 
• Local lottery funded Hidden Histories Film on locality ... researching ... script writing ... directing ... filming ... interviewing ... acting and promoting and attaining awards ... 
• Local Youth Council 
• County Youth Council
• Kent County Youth Arts Ambassador 
• Other committees ongoing from the above ... and outings to the set of The Iron Lady etc
• Drama clubs 
• Les Mis ... Billy Elliott ... Mid Summer Night Dream to name but a few ... 
• Shakespeare 

• Panto ... Jack and the Beanstalk + many more ... 
• Musicals ... i.e. Sweeney Todd 
• Reading Clubs 
• Music
• Guide Movement
• Deaf studies ... Sign language ...
• Drama Dance and movement
• Tap Dance to help co-ordination and rhythm
• Used to like all the home improvement programs ... since lost interest ... 
• Cookery programs ... Nigella and the like ... gradually lost interest too ... 
• Decomposition (ironically) in what would happen to the world if we did not maintain it like in Dubai where the humid air would erode and honey would last forever ... forget what the program was called ...
• Nature and the like 
• National Trust
• Theme Parks
• Musems
• Voluntary Work in various forms 
• Animation Films
• Camping
• Hiking
• Exploring new and old areas ... near and far ... day trips and family hols ... 
• First Aid
• Duke of Edinburgh mother and daughter ... both have Bronze ... 
• Etc Etc Etc

This shows what our family life once consisted of before the ensuing crisis ... and how despite the traumas ... our daughter aimed and achieved her degree in English with Drama ... and is now doing her PCGE with intentions of aiming ...  still to do her Masters ... which her late Dad knew she was striving to do her PhD ... (in as it happens ... is evolving to what we have been through ... and her voluntary work with children who have socially unacceptable inabilities) ...

Still long way off ... of ...

Falling into place...  in the kitchen ...  but at least I am making a tad of progress in the once hub of the home and will shortly be more operational in another part as the room it is designated for ... yippee ...

Only today very slow progress ... I did get up ... I did wash ... I ate a little something ... I rested ... I watched a film ... I did crochet one row and I used the lap top to keep practicing my qwerty typing which is liken to a ... my mind is a little confused ... but some sentences are coming through thankfully ...  

I did not open up to the world today. I stayed inside and had time to reflect on those plans and ideas to stop from slipping away ... I nearly forgot my meds ... 

Belongings dispersed....

... From incineration to charity and more...

I only hope no other collector is filling their environment up locally... Beyond what is necessary... such is my thinking now... 

But since the crisis ended in a death and over time our belongings have certainly rippled out... In the locality...

Fortunately I was and am too busy to notice our wares in two towns... Our daughter was interested in what happened to them....(until she had to step in my shoes so I could spend precious time... with my Dad... who has since passed away too)... And able to see the overwhelming task I had ahead of me.. 

I do know some items were quickly sold and we had other communications... I am just glad that there is such a way for these items to be reused; in whatever manner. It all helps in so many ways beyond the money and stress of it 

The main joy for me is a lot of happiness to be involved in others lives and helps a tad for a better world... 

The One Touch ...

... rule is now starting to appear more in the home where I have re-established a tad more order back.

I can now too ... leave something and it will be exactly where I had left it ... one of the many benefits of living on your own. Especially in my environment; and realising that finally there are no longer the battles of unnecessary living and keeping ... that crept up on us ...

And the work area transferring from one room to the other ... is working ... instead of going around in circles. I am now finally getting to concentrate on my life and gradually establishing my home environment how I like it to operate ... personally to me...

My recent too short a therapy and non co-ordination in that functioning of my life have proved ... that type of therapy was not ideally suited to me ... I need a specialist therapist ... not any body yet have I met who has understood  my complex situation ...

Especially when relaying it back to me ... from 2014 ... and Dad had neurological complications from cancer elsewhere in the body ... it was not thought out ... time restraints ... budgets and too complex even to scratch the surface ...

The Perpetuality ...

... had some more time just chilling ... to be in a better frame of mind to do various tasks in hand 

... will take a photo and see the progress again ... did a tiny bit still ... seeing as I live in the environment ... 

It does take masses of energy to switch off, from all that is not good, around me ... thankfully setting up a   corner of some semblance of temporary ambiance in this home; with soft lights or a craft light as the evening progresses ... in this longer forthcoming evenings helps to create a better atmosphere ... 

And a good film when I can settle; takes my mind off ... unless it is about human endurance etc ... And working and typing on my various hobbies to keep occupied too ... the difficulty is the mind and its thoughts that do creep in ...

The Kitchen ... again ...

... I have gone round in circles on this one according to sister ... I would be getting another howler; however I have my February-May spring cleaning and ideas time. I am capitalising on this while I an in the flow ... hoping no-one disrupts me and accepts what I am trying to achieve ...

During my time out from the current problems I still face today; to recover from the earlier struggles in the week.  I did thankfully have a good Sunday. I am making plans with the kitchen ... It is a small start... while juggling the many strands and keep up with the perpetuity of that, that sucks of the daily demands and tasks:-

• Recovery
• Meds
• Appointments
• The Diary
• Communications
• Phone
• Post
• Emails
• Texts
• Health
• Paperwork
• Budgets
• Getting Out
• Refuse/Recycle
• Plan recovery trips
• Blog
• Study more than one subject
• Visits to home
• Research 
• Complaint
• DIY
• De-mould
• Maintaining home
• Budgets
• Air Circulation
• Repairs
• Social inclusion and Social contact with outside world
• Exercise
• Bucket List
• Poetry
• Leisure
• Vocational/Study Aspirations
• Move
• Projects
• Charity with unneeded items
• Clutter

All the things we take for granted until we are unable to cope. 

A good project manager is needed in the agencies and services to cope with so many people struggling with daily life ...

Again the Maslows hierarchy of needs; for ones self esteem and not ... be hasty as in certain agencies and too slow in another ... as so witnessed  in the unrelenting time we had ... leading to my late husbands death 

...

Back on my track ...

until the next time ... after the electric supply improvements works ... in a stuffed utility cupboard ... first thing this morning ...

And in the meantime ... time off for the rest of today ... another stop off to the charity shop first, with unneeded items with market days, the holidays of one season over and another to come and Halloween. All useful items for others who may require them more than others ... as always or not .... depending on other collectors in the towns ...  

A few days leisure and back to the grindstone on my track; even though it is not the weekend yet, all good psychology ... much  more likely to take a bag out to charity or clear another bit. 

As with all things in life ... when  in a good mood; things are so much easier to do 

48 hours ...

... certainly an interesting lot of hours have passed by ... juggling those daily functions with the outside world in RSVPs, trying to get out for some good lungfuls of polluted air and keep on top of the perpetuity of life with paperwork and clearing the home ... and dealing with the memories which is the hardest of all ..

Whilst working on the pantry/larder .... the problem of stuffing the cupboards ... classic lack of air circulation ... more work loaded on me again ...

The items that I came across propelled me back to those times that I have moved on from. This is the serious lack of not continuing what was started with my late husband ... to continue so that I am not faced with it now and hindering the recovery ...

I will not even comment on my recent therapy; all interesting ... I m very fair ... but some things have taken the biscuit ...

As I cleared ... I cleaned ...

over the weekend; to make it a bit more like my home with the sweet smells that brings. I made plans too for after my usual visit from the one agency who has been consistent since my crisis. The demands on their time is the same as the other agencies; but they come regular as clockwork ... stopping for a chat and  never in a hurry or on their phone ...

in fact the current care coordinator knows my feelings about the mobile and puts it in on vibrate... the annoyance I showed and the fact I was in contact with the MP keeping the office updated makes sure too ... 

The other agency so far I have never had an issue ... time is so precious and you have such a professional intimacy on your life with these people in your worst moments of your life. The least you can do is pay attention so as not to miss anything not only verbally or around you in the environment ... but read between the lines too of the client at that moment and time.

After the visit, I will clear and clean a good bit so I do not keep having to move it around for all life's maintenance and updates; in the future that keep getting in the way.

Adjusting to my lifestyle

... certainly still a lot to adjust ... over the weekend and from today chipping away at the access needed for works next week ... forgetting all the silliness and surprise that I still not done the cupboard since I already said about ... instead of wasting any more time explaining facing the feelings on my own and knowing what the end goal will be to me personally ... 

A lot for one person to deal with but as always budgets before people .... only after the horse has bolted will it be realised ...

Paperwork created by ....

Dealt with more of the necessary paperwork which is created by lack of continued inaction and coordination ... not listing it as too numerous ... and get so fed up with it ... takes time away with what I am supposed to be doing ... I was supposed to get out and keep up the continued progress ... when not triggered ... another one tomorrow... I was working on pacing myself to start on clearing the cupboard using the one touch rule of sorts .... so as to not ... to keeping moving items around forever .. 

Without deceased hubby who totally knew the situation ... very much on my own ...

Despite a study day ... still organising the de - clutter ...

... especially when an hour was wasted at the bus stop ... one bus was cut out with the following bus nearly half an hour late ... it did start more conversations than normal ... 

I knew on arriving back the electrics works people would be hoovering about ... it would have been easier to have caught up with me yesterday ... being Bank Holiday didn't help ... they did miss me ... 

 ... two wrong number calls later ... managed to get hold of them with the third and right call ... they were on site and came straight over ... I had explained my situation ... they worked out what access would be needed in the stuffed cupboard ... explained exactly what they would be doing ... doing the improved electricity supply works ... next week ... 

... since I have been on my own several improvement works on this property with the utilities have taken place ... always been accommodating ... working round the unique situation faced on entering my home ... while I recover and restore my home ... shows society is becoming more aware to uniqueness on working in homes ...