Whispering Dishes over the summer

of the satellite kind to whispering winds recently with frozen crisp footsteps for some, while others getting wet in downpours. 

The gradually build up of twinkling Christmassy lights and sights shining from homes. It was a case of spot the door wreath, for the last bus journey to a hospital this year, where a cluster of us give time and energy.... the stories some pour out to you in disclosing what they wish too, takes the mind off your own concerns awhile. 

The penultimate Shopping trip now done. The time it takes to get round the stores, a lot longer whatever time you venture out, now until Christmas Day is done and over. The batty time when the movement of goods fail awhile this time of year.

The  just in case I am stuck on my own goodies if plans fail to happen this current year.... like those Festivities past that did happen to fall apart ... if things do fall in place I am on countdown to our own celebrations of a death day remembrance ... then it is time to spend special days on a few times with a daughter this year.... the second in her own home ... 

The girl guide motto still with us as a family of ‘Be Prepared’ for whatever happens back on track ... 

A Quarter of a year

The immense differences in a way that cannot be seen. A few trips in environments that helped in the recovery space. 

A busmans holiday that is becoming a way forward to approach the avoidance. The latest one last month whereby the three of us in a home welcoming a new pup. Mum is sweeping through the home with a zest to catch up from the time when our late Dad was slipping away from us. And more impending things were happening. The task this time to get another room spruced up and cleaned out to make way for the perpetual modern changes that usually happens in the home as time moves on ... The belongings shared to a different way of life. The reminders of Dad speedily removed on his death. Everyone deals with this in their own way. The shoes, coats, dressing gown. toothbrush long gone now. I had none of this process in the usual way. It is the same but not in our situation... 

A complete away from it all on an island for a long weekend of board games, the films watched of an evening. A short while out each day exploring the Welsh scenery... a daughter easing the pain of life outside subtly and quietly for me. The autumnal crisp cold air not putting us off. We were completely away from all our adjustments of life without  a close family member deceased. This particularly bereavement being out of the natural order of life ... 

A road that was travelled on the North Wales Expressway leading to watching a film that is now festively apt ... The Polar Express. There are classic new traditions that happen, not only when someone passes during the festive season, but when your children set up home themselves with a partner with their extended family. A family where there is the birth Mum and a foster Mum. I have met the birth Mum once, the foster Mum more times including getting to share the forthcoming two meals planned for the festive period this year. One meal out. The other at her home with the extended family including those who reside in Spain, who are over for the holidays on Christmas Day. 

This forthcoming time with my family and new friends, along with once again becoming a National Trust Member ... the benefits of the partially open places out of season to visit in the North West of England. That is if the weather is mild. Otherwise movies and the magic of more board games ...  and staying local. This along with those crochet hooks and knitting or sewing needles creating on a more regular basis, busy with projects for others. I really get to achieve a little more when away from the tasks in progress in my own home ... 

The Before and After

of much in a room quite in removal..  a face off each time ... the paper flutter of others ... I have no idea where this came from ...I can only assume it fell out of my in law's paraphernalia ... 

I couldn't resist a peek at a little of what still to come by whilst I wound it down for now. The mess created in getting this achieved astronomical and a little hateful ...A little whitening in the aged look of life I do not wish to be remembered in parts ... though the finds intriguing of what is tucked inside and drop out in mass sifting of others thoughts  .....

Interesting facts

in fellow trauma incidents in how we are perceived ... the percolating emotions others gives. I have had a lot to process as do they. Yet we all have a common thread. What is portrayed is not text book to how we feel after such experiences from the outer in to our various worlds of the inexplicable pattern of behaviour in reverse to our situations ... 

Interesting....

Burrowed back into

tasks in hand with a twist ... the diversions of much beyond thy control. The Science 🔬 museum trip. The hospital visit. The social housing Property MOT much discussed now in fruition ... a lot more work for those involved. And more documents to those incessantly inaccessible... For me a discussion on repairs still undone in five years worth of repeated drain queries mucking up the back and the eternal paddle to the bin stores in wet weather ... I am coming back where maintenance bothers me. 

Meanwhile absorbed in the usual functions to keep house;  whilst easing into dragging about much in excess still to retain or disperse still ToDo ... 

The rest in the interim

lots ToDo on that room in start. The initial things I came a toss after the young assisted and took a time to proceed in the next phase together. 

The funnelling of passengers criss crossing in London from the A-Bs, while sections of railworks are getting done meant the influx of the silly season much more busier than usual. 

The train tilt and rushing Countryside in passing becoming more familiar. The viaducts and new roads travelled in another different car. A classic Mini of another road user. 

The puncture on my maiden journey in the kids second car. The dog sitting where Starbucks give a pet, put down a bowl of drinking water and a packet of treats. And me ending up the first one to let the dog out for a wee in the mornings! 

A time different with more new experiences from the moment I set foot in other English counties. A little time in being offered a complete choice in what time we share. This treat in experience in 🎁... The celebrations of widowhood now passing in years many and older ... 

1.99 for an England bear

in good condition and if collectible which kiddy researched;  a gold mine for someone else ... a quick last of this month drop off ... in a shop with our goodies on the shelf and in boxes ... I don't normally bother looking ... I sweep in and out usually ... 

The kid took the saleable items back with them  ... I have no interest still. The vintage stuff will be boxed up for the van hire trip to another place  ... She will be quarter of a century old for lesser expenditure and the requested experience shortly ... 

Enticement Elaborate Enforcing

a more leisurely time in Mondays and Wednesday where possible now I am committed to time for others. The time disposed to switching off physical and hope to remember what I was enforcing on a return. The itinerary planned in another swoop of time. This time for the personal yearly celebration in age older ... 

The swoop and sweep selection started this month, ready to continue next month. The first thing I came across in that room after the kids started on it, was some long lost I had thought craft items favourite ... and the salvage of some Wedding day mementos... under that is the time from clearing a kitchen cupboard and airing cupboard for a Gas water heat upgrade This packed up by a cousin and shoved behind the door when I thought much of life too lost and adrift to be bothered! 

Days in Difference

the cumbersome, the clearance and finally getting back to the variants. A few summer celebrations and back to the encounters in lone discoveries until the delight of movement in another functional area. 

Whilst social media is awash of the perpetual personal to us home refurbishments, moves and what not .... the lone discovery in my time shift not on par with mamy in my own circles. 

The difference in much still out of sync with the norm... although I am now back in the social aspect of being asked about my tasks this week in a hospital setting ... that is weird! 

A day of goodwill

yesterday interacting with patients to a day rummaging through the aftermath of kin here to assist. The space created enabling me to do a little bit of the necessary cleaning  and airing ... much better in feelings doing my home again ... a pity still a way to wade through! 

July days different

the bruises are fading this a week nearly after bumping into the chaos created by kin in help in shift. The in the night stumbles over items where things are not usually....

This day last I still went out to do what I do. The young ones left alone to make order in the newly created chaos... in a room not really ventured in until now. 

They then picked me up from the hospital to go on to the nearby shopping mall to have late lunch or early tea/dinner. The planned cinema trip happened ... it was a day of rain therefore could not have been better timed ... 

That was last week, and next week I will see the same kin again already on their turf, this time! The break away from the start of a month of facing that behind a door of a muddle I rather not be reminded of. 

The now slow process of sifting through time remnants in part I am still silent on. That room in an abode taking up space to relieve other parts in function. 

The determination not to let another mishap that happened again on Friday, not to happen again with the overwhelming tasks always faced alone, long after the disjointed uncomfortable uncoordinated time bomb that took one of our lives .... 

My walking stick, wretched scarring, falling over bruising days not quite ended yet ... though no sign of acknowledgement in seeing how I am after consultations ... showing in abundance the continued failed learnings from the failings supposedly acknowledged 

A Day towards

the next upheaval countdown to others ... for me the eternal seems like rigmarole...The heaviness in trudged tiredness nigh impossible to switch off ... 

I have now stopped ... the required long restfulness in the restlessness... 

Ethics

...all round ... particularly in the world of medicine

Back to it ... the long haul through the various segments of death in life returning all aglow ... the next band of hours bound in the past ... 

In wind down mode

to step up the next stage. This too with the transition of not enough admin role work to going front of house with patients. This is more role demanding.  I rather my patience stick it out. The only way to do it sometimes is to be thrown in the deep end. The sublime to ridiculously ridicule of life. 

The spout of good diets in these environments hard to administer when you see what budgets in the public sector give you to work with ... I think Florence Nightingale strategies to put in place when my life at home back in order ? 

At least my networking means many opportunities opening up here in years to come here or where a circle of people are anticipating the transition of myself to another trust ... the idea of one to one care of those that have it in hospital and at home. The home for what people used to call and probably still next door to Mum .... the long term neighbours moved and they divided the home into flats for supported living for those that sometimes now get aborted at birth ... and the Personal assistant care like me daughter or Pallative care ... I shall see how I adapt to front of house. 

I am used to one person in more recent times ... now again it is many needs ... I have felt at ease with the company of  just sitting with people. I have kept company with various needs of patients who are lonely and or stressed on the mixed wards in this high turnover unit... the stress heightened for they are waiting to go back to care / home or the specific ward !!' 

Shattery and shredded

moonlight. the longest day and much; the time that past in disdain still haunts me, from the news waves in the treatment of humans in evacuation. Evacuation as raw like the day it happened to me. 

It is not the first time evacuating from the home. It happened too living on a river from the nineties to the noughties. It dried up in the summer we moved in ... by the millennium it was constant flood alerts to the times almost with just barely mms to go before it receded ... 

In my abode the earth shattering echoes of time left scarred ... the normal functions free flowing until I dip back in the past ... a restful day ... then another attempt ... of many dips in various time zones too, .... of the continued deaths and other circumstances that followed of very key people and events  in a life ... 

Finish the arduous tasks

started today over this week ... one chips away when it is difficult after a difficult nights in days. The sense in a day in days of challenging tasks that rears its horrific side time and again. 

The day end to ensure rest somehow. The mind is not too clear today. I need to gear up for in a fortnight we need to be tossing quickly and make use of time efficient ... 

?

why o why ... Reactions ... of council .. neglect ... Out reach ... it all happened here (as in my circumstances)  ... as standard to rush aid abroad in events like a well oiled machine .... what happened here in the capital for en masse horror ? 

Minutes out of the past

again today ... when I slip ... I really slide ... I have a few weeks left to tidy back. This enables space for a few to assist awhile. The plans in motion to get through the mid June celebrations amid these last two weeks of so many really personal times with a spouse no longer to share physical with ... 

Time is a commodity that is scarce. It is easy to see this currently with reactions to all things newsy when bad happens ... the overwhelming stuff donated to those made homeless in London this week alone.. The purpose that actually there are homeless all about ... The project management in getting the enmasse basics directed at all not the few .. the coordination needed to pass on the overflows to the Red Cross, the Salvation Army and other places who always need this type of donation 

Sleeping bags and blankets were needed last winter in Bristol is only a minuscule... action in time means more than words and commodities .. the lack of continuity in life all around ... 

 I cannot bear to see... this happened personally ... whilst you appreciate it ... sometimes it is too much ...to cope with ...  

.... Several cousins saw this and assisted in time given!!! The way my hobbies have changed in evolving to other ways ... in ideas like pet sitting .... befriending which was not actioned in early days etc etc ... 

It took two years to give time in an acute setting ... I have given it time. I have not been utilised fully yet ... now I am finally in situ  ... a chat with the refreshment staff in this knowledge ... the first of many used to volunteers on the unit I am on ...  the learning we are all doing together... 

More simmers in summers days

shimmers and slivers of sadness for others ... the reunited with photos chronologically in automated. The whimper days in silence. A daughter and I spent much time in her study days early at uni.  Her one major bereavement each year of study in a roundabout way. She still took time out to make new memories in and around the capital city of a country we reside in. The rail miles to be with me. I have since travelled the rail miles finally getting acquainted with her area ... 

The photos slowly coming back in view from the dark recess of a time misty and murky yet full of vibrancy in life again ... now we were free of the restraints of those psychologically challenged days ... 

Riveting restfulness

The rest before a massive restoration
2017 

the slow day of a weeks end. The muster in strength now to be ready soon for a difference. The days better in structure to cope. The struggles with the pace ...

📌

The hope to be better equipped this time around. 

📍

Then it will be ... where do I get to from here? 

New papers fluttering

into the abode via induction time. A very nerve tingling few months. The Matron of a ward and staff giving a warm welcome. 

A lot to take in. I am appreciative of doing it this way, in giving time. A sister, (not a nurse) my sister props me up in this and these emotions it stirs up. The last two days very emotive for various reasons. The challenge in the challenging really diverse ... and no one back home to share the news verbally ... Though the last things on the usual days, it is nice to come home and just switch off the outside world. 

The many people like I have witnessed in confronting situations whilst sat in many public places. The aftermath in which a person with a disorder, going over the same conversation they had with that someone again and again. They continue to mutter on and go over the scenario over and over. 

However after a restorative transition tomorrow in back to the removal of the unnecessary... The remember where I was, in picking up from where I left off to continue again on myself ..

This month in to

next will dent some time. That if it goes to plan and falls in place ... The collation or clearance stepped up. It is still slow. A random chat and time in good housekeeping areas of life assisting beyond thought and action .. realising much in my going around in circles. 

The month of May last  to this May astonishing in what has been achieved already 

   

The peak and

vales of a life in pictures. I have been astonished at the grappling of life after death. It is therapeutic in a funny kinda of way to keep seeing new images lost in time. The fascination with a Dyson fan on an oncology ward. A maritime museum visit. The trips, walks and all kind of manners in a wobbly recovery start again. The court blazoned letters still getting with agencies not in coordination with the facts ... a cousins words in no uncertain terms to be harassed in this way after such a horrible anus situation  ... 

The irony of being in temporary housing at the time. And the threatened court action in eviction to out me out the home I was not even in then .... the crisis team ( no sign of the continued package of a care to remove the extensive excesses of the one now gone, but the environment still there of Mental health area of care ! The pass the buck legacy!) of the time still wading through all the necessary to overhaul an overwhelmingly ridiculous time of the wrong decisions time and again by the certain agencies who so failed a life of a man ... 

You get those pesky letters of bureaucracy at the best of time, the passing the buck, in those darkest days the misguidance beyond ridiculous... 

I had so much grief you couldn't write a suitable tragic tale out of the disbelief of those around me that bothered in that could you believe did that all really happen ! 

The turmoil within

gives the perspective in although all those losses we had still ongoing .... the yonder across the miles of an area most frequented again a daily reminder how life continues to change for us all ...

My head is tired in the turmoil on this very special day ... The ironic items cleared out to us on a personal level .... another part of life back in order and put in the right place of life ... and more and many distributions of life in belongings ... over the last 24 hours ... 

A little bit more of the same today and to get out in daylight to get a special something to eat depending on how tired I am ... if not over the weekend while I wind down. This  to get into gear for the soon to be training to volunteer in the health and social care sector where, if I decide to go down this area requires regular updating ...  

Back to it

in a sunny room making plans for how I approach soon to come upon next month. next month! This after a stint on a ward again ... 

The three areas to clear out to use for the now, stated before in the Where was I? After a bit of mischief to the Anatomy. 

I was in a lot of debate in negating the mess that will be caused while prepping for training etc ... this is now here goes ... 

A little off track

though much rested for a little intoxicatingly remedies in the remedial tasks to be doing. The feeling of the never ending to some ending in sight for a little .... The confusion and conflicts still evident. 

However the plans were for the way ahead ... and although strange feelings are in this phase, a sister implied to keep at it. 

It will be good to be established, which indeed takes time ... I have a long haul to keep in sight of the end outcome. July and September will be key ... the way forward in the onward phase. The spontaneity of life is much appreciated... do I want to be encased again ... There is so much not understood in this that I find ...  it is kept inward ... 

At least this is a release of the pent in emotional land of no mans ... 

A frustrating time

of it today, taking one away from the recesses of moving things out and on. The intermix of time in schedules. The set in stone attitude that hinders understanding of the implications I am left with long after everyone moves on ... The worst culprit is what everyone blames ....  and we can be just scoffed at by those who never even suffered depression 

A mixed

day from self esteem remnants and measures against in a situation by others ... while I went about this day of past present and future in plans and actions ....

The much change is good for the morale ... now I done a bit more of the rehabilitation, now it's back to the steps in the move and clear, or clear to move .... 

The pitter patter of raindrops  ☔️... the gushing sound of all that rain today ... and on par in conversations with a sister in brief experiences again ... she still has faith I make a good nurse ... I beg to differ ... I will need to be specialised and have bucket loads of confidence in not making methodical mistakes ... 

I may make my own rules in this life post tragedy ... though when it comes to it I can follow rules and regulations in such a methodology of a vocation ... 

All the do and do nots currently, signing in, expense forms and mandatory training a start to see if I can get this part back to second nature too ... the last few weeks of research in the background of what I am currently doing ... the brain drain on a mind ... the overwhelming task still in the home ... that often gets forgotten by all that came ... 

Days away

from the monotony of the past living. The vibrant colours instead of the dank holes of time a welcome change locally today. I will be pleased to move on transferring what came to be ... 

They must be doing overnight road or rail works in the distance ... this being near a local road interchange .... it carries the noise on windy days ... like you could hear Brands Hatch at certain times at our last Home... 

Where has one not been

or seen today and the weeks past back again. The odds and sods thinned out in a cupboard, to back to the Where was I ? And finally see a start of things back together, as well as the ongoing life. 

Colour in odds 

The kitchen with the remains. The kitchen with what was given. A set of beverages canisters still using to this day from a cousin. She said it will remind us of much across the miles. 

The thumb injury time when some of the other cousins passed on some kitchen aides to work one handed etc. One of them having worked in Occupational Health a while. 

One has messages flowing across the miles of the experiences elsewhere. Could it all be finally seeing something of the past again?  Where it is easier to move again!

Rememberance 

A time in the archives. The collection into collating to distribute the various items. 

I will have helping hands again. In the meantime I am reacquainting a structure in a little time there midweek ... and a long weekend in pulling together to move again here ... 

It is stressful for some to move at the best of times ... this will be challenge zillion of project Mojo!  

Descending 

All the various family trees of all our particular strands for a daughter also finally getting it together ... I have started on the paperwork ... I now be like my Mum only she had a better system for shredding Dads stuff. 

In the paperwork mountains that is really varied. The avoidance. The stuff I will not discuss. The stuff of fascination for others who are interested in the family tree. The gaps of time. The stuff from the times until I stopped bothering to do the paperwork, whem I had a life to keep alive! That was a fruitless time. He flowed away from life anyway! 

This paperwork back into a system again will be amazing too ...The obvious stuff of bills to keep paid. The time a hubby went to a meeting for financial help, only to come back dismayed. He gave up. I gave up. The timeline of disintegration lived again in all this ... 

The photos and paperwork. The paper mountain I should now not have to revisit,  the salt is all too raw in the still wounds!!! 

All in all an amazing phase in this agony I have now entered. A phase coming together in tiny steps; a time I had thought I never see in this life again ... 

While I step back out

Others are stepping down ! The peers in public service reducing or altering life in the now service retirement phase. 

However my life seems never to be on par with the norm. I have a backlog of paperwork mountains and although with the best effort of a sensitive clear, it twas old tat and stuff I now have to sift through or not. 

The photos even only a mild interest at times ... the aversions to cope with life in general ... and what was thought or from the list for this clear I could care less about at the time ... 

My thoughts today however is for some relaxing ... the tiredness of this life is overwhelming too ... 

Packing up for the

memory book, box and to use in function. The co alignment with time on a ward ... an enlightening, illuminating time from tragedy, trauma to tensions to trying! To packing up slow and steady until all traces removed ... 

The complete change in subject and a mind not always in logical thought ... to too much to cope with. 

I have seen free water to help yourself too, a free bananas (fruit) initiative. I may not see the current affairs in ways I used to, no newspapers in this home ... but a free warm drink and a pastry to local homeless people by a shop in a Cheshire. This known about by other means and sources when minded and not just stuck inside by invisible ties ... 

The nurses using food banks, used in some of the agendas in this country that I did know about... well the polling card is a big clue! I had no idea about foreign politician changes! 

And the ease of a few days to put things into perspective towards a long weekend of packing and clearing ... not in the usual sense ... the decisions long ready for this time to start to move to a home ... and a hospital where the first seeds of confirmation in where to be a volunteer started ...

... on an oncology ward in Kernow ... 

I chosen the time to do midweek. That I might have a long weekend to do the various projects in the long haul to capsulate a life that is quality driven, with a serenity and peace for a retreat from the flurries of much ... in the attempt to kickstart a life all round more positive ... including going into a vocational field when a lot of peers including the many banks of cousins are early, semi retiring or part retiring to do Bank work or volunteering abroad etc ... from the NHS or police etc ...

The time I

was booked in to collect my glasses was the day for some heavy reading ... The dos and do nots within an environment where one gives times on a social basis. 

Therefore I acclimatised to some newness today. What is not new is the amount of time I spent at a bedside on the other side of the dos and do nots. The way infection control in the extreme on an oncology ward, when a child visiting vomited in the day room, this where the donated facilities were located for easing the time spent ... it was fumigated with the  replacements of  refreshments and what not ... 

On Spec ...

... making use of the window of time ... social history in all I do or watch ... a interest in moment flurry and still ... 

Did what I hoped for

the kick start of a second week in the entanglement of life in shreds .... last week the long overdue appointments in routine fashion. The three long hairs lopped off each time in only three hair appointments over months. The first time the next cut and blow dry already booked ... 

The appointment this week to collect and see how the new glasses are, from last weeks trip to the opticians. I have done a fair few appointments in health and well being now. There is still some way  to go. The regularity slips. 

This week is the paperwork issues. The junk mail returned to sender. The listful of replies, keep on top and the new way some things are now done. I also hope to get in a routine of weekends off. One day doing something different other than worry. I will probably just slip back into doing things when I feel like it ... I also find I need a long rest from the emotional waste and memory... 

Today something haunted me from the past I didn't expect to come across ... I couldn't avoid that one. And I certainly didn't see it  coming ... 

The multistrands of this

... the wouldn't it be good to be clear of the clear. A morning getting the bearings on just tasking one multistranding time a day. At least something. The overwhelming overload to one side. 

The logistics planning of the shift ...  and the two month window to get some semblance of structure started ... 

It tis mid afternoon and some things put off from lack of gumption at least achieved today. The vivid dreams of a night and the wonder what happened to everything I knew aside for now... 

I will wind down and relax when the next multistranded bit is also achieved and attempt again tomorrow... still not heard from whom I should hear. I am just moving past and forward of the idiocy of life ... 

The wee hours

the toss of much troubled subconscious... I do not need anyone to analyse them.... I expect anyone who assists those in store rooms of homes with no space or on the sidelines like myself while it unfolds have them too. 

Ironic that in life in general where things are not put back in the right place in public environments were hard to cope with anyways... and then the private space when thy environment spiralled into what it did ....

When you live with partially sighted or blind the things in life need to be in the same place and toys not left scattered ... 

... when you used to that and irritated by public spaces ... I must have been really mentally frustrated to the near point of no return ... 

Releasing the shackles in thy own personal scale of things when my valued space and organisation disintegrated ... where others were touched on by those who observed me in this time ... how the chalk and cheese at the outset of this ... me who lived with someone with adult onset eyesight difficulties Initially from a work incident and realising at least three generations of the paternal inlaws had an hoarding legacy ... either it is predetermined from the genes, and most definitely nurtured in that environment.... rubbing off on the spouses!  

There is so much not known ... I lost my husband long before ... 

Gravesend, Parks and beaches

the annual flurry of a hot spell brings the journalists photos of already tanned skin, promoting the health glow under ultra violet ...  and not the images of what it can do to the skin if precautions not heeded ... 

Gravesend hitting the hot spot ... again ... the kids pier day in grey cloud in the west Country while we baked in the South East early again ... 

A trying morning ...

in the transition that can be most tricky ... ....fortunately it became a little more of an ambient time. Though shaky at times. The intermix of much sowed now sprinkling life with some progress ... 

Whilst in a transition

the foray into putting things into electronic form. This to share with kin what is left in what I come across in putting order back ... The road now towards the time with the drivers finally passed and getting experience to do further travels ... Their debut long road trip I happen to share ahead of the current time in the West Country happening now. We have already seen this strand and more of family and friends when we came together to celebrate the life of our now deaceased loved one ... 

The music is back in flow after a period of quiet. I have also read a paper book off the finds before I donate it. Once an avid reader. I am starting to have that time for self .... 

.... and the preps of shoes and clothes for a time in give ... now the forms are in the process of the final check and sign off to commence the induction and find baby steps again where it took less than half an hour to roll out of bed and get to work ... no clambering in chaos ... a simple time striving for once again ... 

THE VIRTUAL TAKE

The working the house keep in the cloud which can be finished wherever I'd be. The fortuitous in some decent work along the way. The pixels have progressed sharper too, in this recovery spectrum ... busy while in the wee hours where the toss and turn. Those that continue on. I have some more files in chronological order from the mess ... 

The electronic gas safety report made up

for rubbish through the letterbox into the new season, religious leaflets floating through on a Sunday. The unnecessary letters fallout from a too quick response on issues currently raising ... 

The intensity of advertising looking at first important making the actually importance of poll cards or whatever nigh on impossible to detect for those of us with varying degrees in reasons for aversion to handling the post ... I hate handling all unnecessary paper and really detest some aspects of life now! 

No handling of

the annual (or every ten months with this situation I am in) pink copy of the Gas Safety Check report ... it is now done online. It twas sent to my email and it is now filed in my virtual store ... Hallelujah no hard pink copy to keep in mind  ... 

A concept that is not understood by many in my circumstances.... I am opposite to the spectrum on what is measured ... a continual fight to get proven ... 

No doubt in my confused state; I will forget it can now be paperless!!!! 

The light of

day extended ... the flurry of Easter paraphernalia upon us. The hot cross buns and eggs been in abundance for a while now ... 

The now daily pain relief of the distance reminder of lungs and chest full of haunting now, on the approaching anniversary of how each problem we had since is waiting to erupt from a time in neglect ... 

Hilarious

time in a change for a Friday day ... relishing the refuse refresh in change of scenes wherev it is currently back in smoother running ... 

... particularly for a home like this where access to bags and communal bin in ease is appreciated seeing as it is flow in out ... 

... a lot of time moved on ...finally the captains are changing at the Sally Army. The NHO has changed in the five yearish cycle ... The longer times in reference deals when one restablishing who true people are ... 

The refreshing change that I used to love so ... The pivotal people more usual than relying on a stranger in a section of agencies that just don't work when you are a care leaver or an undiagnosed psychotic safety over health client ... refused the fundamental heirachy of Maslows needs! 

I was in refuse

heaven today .. the shared bin stores are totally clear and tidy ... with just the lovely space to put the rubbish in without stepping on soiled nappies etc ... very timely for one masters the skill of throwing from a distance into the void at these times ... I have no strength presently to do such manoeuvres  ... 

It really tis

the pits when the highlight of a time is seeing your quota of refuse and recycle bags still at the door ...when they are due to be delivered ... 

The hoard of others on borderline in this much of a world ...  

Never ending loose

loose ends ... the tiresome irksome fathomless time of it ... especially since I am enjoying some enforced time doing just everyday chores ... it makes it especially hard to go backwards to get forwards 

The days in alter ...

I had hope to venture out awhile to boost circulation ... however the cosy up won ... although some gentle movement around within ... of current chores ... 

What I wanna do and can do are entirely different, different of late yet again ... 

A sprinkling of the

land of nod. A sprinkling of frustrations ... the birds are tweeting. I am not the only one Up. The plans  awry. The too sleepy to concentrate on anything too taxing ... 

I see how prescribed meds can be addictive... for the time though the edge of the physical pain taken away is good ... and always easier to understand that the other pains in my life now ... 

The churn of influx

of mail shots through the letterbox, in the town and when last in London for a certain online grocery store delivery, the attempt in shuffling literature in my hand ... The Freebies to read on public transport .... I have enough at home to deal with ... The wanton greed not needed ... I even get irritated with the Mothers Day paraphernalia ... 

the home presently on hold. The complications of a bug deep in me lungs area to deal with ... currently just keeping on top with the current life, the financial year. A trip out for a restful day to take the mind off a lot in just being a tourist  ... I hope to a place in the city ... good I didn't take a walk around a once regular route today!  ... I awoke still sleepy from the effects of the medication ... and decided on a duvet day ... 

Last night the plan to do something different and one still not done a trip into Central London ... I had thought many times previous ... and not yet done ... just the fly through this nearby city getting from A-B ... 

A walk out ...

.... carrying one large donation ... I knew I allowed this rested period ... The conflicts of me and myself cos everyone has such busy self lives ... to assist an able body, no one sees the unable mind... 

It is such an angry time ... which is not good everyone needs the good endorphins to lead a tranquil time ... 

Again that is not seen or heeded ... measured against each person I will never get the requisite support. ... unless the experience of even depression by another, there is no hope of the right assistance... 

Yesterday ... a silly billy day ...

of the kind only in LaLa Land ...the things I will never discuss ... and the next series of rediscover this day ... 

Chelsea River Thames  ... from a coach this March Day ... 

A simple solution

averted again on arrival back in the black hole of the Tardius ... our nickname for this abode bigger on the inside ...

The facets of swaying mood swings of the upheavals of months on ends

A Swoop on the

abode ...I have not taken off my foot wear ... a lot in the bin ... the swift removal in meaning business ... death in life came this way ... the f******* can go to h***

Functionality in the

norm the focus with the spills of ills... hurting me. At last with the cheat side of cooking ... I can rumble in the tummy grumbles ... 

A stroll out to top up the final bit of utilities to wander away from here a while. The new perspective on returning ... I already have ideas to action ... the paperwork neat to travel to its new abode ... 

The days in turn

from arduous to sedate I hope ... the worn in mind to peace in the tumultuous rucked up dilemma ... a countdown well under way ... the fit of functions past into present days 

The odd

but compelling film ... watched yesterday ... not really the one to watch for the feel better factor ...

One finds that with time, this film was not going to have any hope for the protagonist... I needed a lot of faith in hope yesterday, wrong film for the time ... 

The necessity done

back already from my very early health check up appointment. The hunt for a manual BP ma home kept me waiting ages! 

The shopping been done. The foodies to save preps and entice the appetite... The chemist usual was not open yet. The market  in the process of being set up ... 

Now another cosy in snuggle rest to cope with tomorrow's schedule ....

The wind spiral

spinning well today ....the time for a commuter appointment again ... the difference in allocating times within a doctors surgery ... on getting the same appointment... 

At least I am not travelling to Sussex today .... the original appointment that would have caused unnecessary hardship .... 

The spectacular

stupidity that happens in these times.  The so obvious I don't see. At least I am dosed up on a more restful day ... last night I was oblivious as happened several times in this week last alone ... 

At least the penny dropped is noticed more ... 

A little goes away ... 

A rudimentary

time this day. The unfurl back from the time bomb that still lurks in the background... the agitation making way for adulation in thy senses ... 

The intermix of movies and magical moments in the tranquility hard to see or find here. 

Coming back to the

world again ... some much needed time in the air outside for a tad ... or at least different environments without thinking about the past awhile.  

And my sister is at the cinema tomorrow evening... she is so predictable, the latest film out. When I happen to see it advertised, I knew she be seeing it ... ! 

I am still not that far in the world. A lot of movies not seen in a time, when movies too, once watched sooner than is done these days. 

A lot of plans with a daughter forthwith. One of them a trip to the cinema together, here if I'm up to it. A long birthday weekend of mine in the summer up North, with a day trip to Wales maybe?  All depends on how things are. The plans adaptable as is usual to take in my moods. 

Carried away

... one February Friday within the surround ... I was too tired to cook. A spontaneous takeaway was on order ... a type of food I used to love; until I became pregnant ... Only recently have I enjoyed that food again ... 

I am not sure why I went off that type of it. Maybe it was the fact while in attendance of a male midwife one shift one evening, one other February who advised the best type of local food to have for hubby to eat ... while I was in labour! 

The experience of staff in all that I was experiencing... and kin needing nourishment and rest too .... 

Our baby would not arrive. As per usual in those times one is admitted into hospital to be helped along ... I think we know when there is a reason for this. Our daughter was bright before entering the world. She knew she would be in for a difficult time to enter it. We were in the right place for the emergency caesarean that was to be ...  

Entering the bedroom

is a difference experience this week ... the task on my bed area continues and I see the benefits. The eagerness now with the knowledge only in the slow will it be fruitful. 

The tasks that are quick combined with the slowest organisation in that I have done. The dividends that it looks more likely to fall into place and stay the way I keep it. 

A reason I might never be able to live with another again ! 

Mind sort of

in joyous overload ... I made what I call an itinerary list of the items for the kin, though it does not seem the right word... however that is a tiny matter in the array of items put on hold for general dispersing ..

The kin getting first refusal ... most items are easy .... our sons wedding album and other items I will never have the need of now ... a set of boxed crystal glasses, the rare things still not damaged from the theft of a time in transit damage for an item a thief was after ... 

The time in the distant past of the various thefts over the years at different locations and in homes past ... 

And the transit of goods ... 

Aside from the fact of destroyed in overcramped conditions of lack of air .... The home disrupted by a poorly mind ... 

Those who say the anxious feelings I have are in the mind or what have you .... things actually do happen ... 

Another February in month

a very special month for the birth of a daughter many seasons back now in the last millennia ...   

... the seasons of winter hibernation bursting forth with new buds, including my own family. The home I left one month. The next month of March travelling back with a new born, whose rosy cheeks wobbled on this one vey special in particular occasion of our life, on that very first journey taken home by car.! 

The upside downess

at least it is achieving and show that I do not lay in bed, sulking or moping as tis put. Again it is more hibernation in grief days and usually by those not suffered so greatly ... 

I HAVE JOURNEYED magnificently; to those who trudge out in a routine for nigh on decades ... the upside to such tragedy ... 

It has taken me to depths of feelings; I can now use in the gift of time .. 

The best part of recent times

succumbed to some really difficult times in the physical ills. 

I was really getting into some organisation. The paperwork too. The archiving and just keeping the recent papers one requires to keep the paraphernalia handy. All ready just to move into the truck, one day to get to my destination next from here.... 

Methodical in haphazard

The just start anywhere where planning is difficult ... the strands of conflicts Now I have my paperwork going back into order from now ... back through the realms of disgust 

Another dappy time

out and about ... a sunrise shop ... goodies in for a full English breakfast or brunch on the healthy grill ... A really versatile piece of equipment given by Mum and Dad to restock the kitchen post crisis ... 

Amazing how we rally round ... I never expected to get assistance like that in the prime of my life in all avenues ... from the unthinkable that happened ... 

In the day

the slow movement of getting the due process. While, the while the way in a mountain of debris shifted in time... 

There is always something in the occupy when the mind, tis minded. And currently it is a tad frustrating... 

Discipline in Dilemmas

The constitution had a haul. The collection of paperwork from the meetings attended at the learnings on the failings. The continued failings is evident in the time line. 

The collation from 2013 .... of so much that year ...I finally get to see what a cousin did, in 2017. He had realms of it ... amaazing ...

A plod long

the usual future in tandem with what past... the settle down for a long evening in some goodness ... the try out of the strip down yesterday, reaping the benefits today. A simple meal with simple food with some of my pleasures will restore the arduous tasks taken on the journey dank into lightness ... 

Another achievement

in freshening up and making thy abode different. My daughter will think she is in the wrong home! The family banter to lighten the mood in mode ... 

A museum

showroom store room or abode ... take a pick ... with more news of looking in your purse for rare coins. The quandary in holding onto a OCD lot for gain or in my case pain ... the greed of eyes do not appear in this move ... 

Those inspired moments

gone in the echoes of time by interruptions ... the feature wall ... the tromp-l'oeil window and the feature fireplace when it was removed for the boiler upgrade .... adding to the featureless home post crisis ...

Now those energies are gone along with the attempts to rebuild in all that interrupted period .... like a ship sailing off in the distant mists of time ... 

A complete revamp on my life inside out and upside down is this conclusion from that time ...the housing options needed in that time for assisted care to avoid all those instances because I did not fit in to any category for I appeared too strong ... 

The emerald not quite that age ... and so forth .... I will find a way to relive .... in the meantime enjoy rattling around in the echoes of mess in clear 

Thy space, thy time

Another time and place inside the abode. The more affirmative time in sift through the debris of shock reverberations ...The series of events after event while trying to deal with my own ... 

All this muddle layer on layer. The initial eagerness in doing the home up. Only finding the pulling and pushing of so many things dragging me down. I had no piece of time for myself for a very long time. And no one got that except for a empathetic cousin. 

The time in

the zone, alone in part. The scatter in the matter. The organisation slow to arrive. The piece of functions in pit back together... 

My mind did wander a tad. I rescued my dinner just in time .... the thoughts overwhelmed and elsewhere and this weekend sees the anniversary date for the funeral of my spouse. I am taking time to have a festive meal at home and raise a toast to the success on arrival back from jaunts in new and familiar haunts. The offer in a role to give time subject to the last hurdles. To get this far in a process is amazing after such a time of it .... when at times I would like to curl up and hibernate ... it is still within in me to give in kind ... 

Knee deep

in the midst of clearing some accumulated time. It is not always hoarding. The start that I have etched was the day I decided no more bothering ...when the calendar was stuck for some time. I hovered in time just being a mother bear. The pinpoint in overwhelmingly stuck with another minds ways ...

I know what I am on about. No one else will. 

Each hoard situation is not the same ... in many respects ... 

The long haul

recommenced. The task too many and a bit hit and miss with moods. The anticipation attention on something somewhere is slowly reaping benefits.... the world is beckoning back .... 

Something needed for something, is charting more rigorously the health for energy levels to recupe. That will be at least 2.69 years to get to that target... and About Five years for a spouse grief ...all so clinical ...

Another day rest

start before the onslaught of sort, organise, dig and delete, delve. And retrieve, remove, clean and maintain... 

Back in the foray

of how to tackle too much ... I am glad of my own time and space to do this... the irony in that much ... I have already stuck right in on the functions of past, present and future in many strands of life reclaiming... 

Away from

problematic solutions, given way to fresh ways to approach this home still very much needing organisation to function way better...

The collecting of info to attain a much better strategy in those not heeding me ...